It's Not Always Easy
by jellybean96
Summary: He still sees the images of that day in his head. He still hears everything from that day too. Every night he wakes up in a cold sweat because of it. He wishes that he could forget everything. He doesn't want to forget her, just everything that happened. But sometimes, forgetting isn't all that easy.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi everyone! Here's another AoS fic for you! I really hope you like it. I'm not too sure where I actually had this idea, but I'm glad I did. I think it's pretty good. **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"_Tell me what I want to know, Agent Ward."_

"_I'm not telling you anything," Ward says harshly, his wrists struggling against the rough ropes holding him to the cold metal chair._

"_You see," the mysterious man says, "that is not what I wanted to hear." He steps towards Ward and stoops down so he's looking him right in the eyes, "I think you'll change your mind though."_

"_Why would I do that?"_

_The man stands up straight and paces the room once more, "Because I have your girlfriend." He walks over to a table holding a single laptop, and lifts the lid, turning the screen so that Ward can see it._

_As he looks at the screen, he feels as if his heart stops. He sees Skye, bound to a chair by her arms and legs. Her head is down, but he can tell that she's still alive._

"_Go ahead," the man says, "speak to her. She can hear you."_

"_Skye?" Ward says, looking directly at the screen. He sees her head shoot up and look around._

"_Grant?" _

"_I'm here, Rookie. I'm in another room, but I'm still here."_

"_What do they want?" he can hear the pain and fear in her voice._

"_They want information from me."_

"_Don't tell them, Grant! Don't tell them anything!"_

_A man steps into view on the screen and raises his arm, letting it fall across Skye's cheek._

_Grant pulls at his restraints, wanting to lunge at the man in front of him. "Don't touch her!" he yells._

"_Tell us what we want to know, and we won't hurt her."_

"_I'm not telling you!"_

"_Oh really?" the man says. He pulls a small device out of his pocket and taps a few buttons. Then grant sees a man walk into the screen again, holding a long stick in his hands. He sees the stick light up and the man touches it against Skye's body. He sees her head fall back as she cries out in pain. He can see her face clearly now, covered in bruises and blood._

"_Stop!" Grant shouts. The man removes the stick and he sees Skye go limp in the chair. The man in front of him stoops down to his level again. "I'll tell you."_

"_That's what I thought." The man gives him an evil smile. "Now, tell me how I can get into S.H.I.E.L.D.'s mainframe. Without hacking, I don't want to draw any attention to myself."_

"_Use my information. Username is my first and last name, all caps. Password is Skye's birthday."_

"_How romantic," he says sarcastically. "When's her birthday?" _

"_January 18, 1988. All numbers, no spaces."_

_The man smiles again, "Perfect. That's just what I needed." _

_Grant relaxes slightly, "Now let her go." _

"_Ummm, no. I don't think I will."_

"_But I told you what you wanted to know!"_

"_The thing is, you took forever. And I'm not too keen on waiting."_

"_What are you going to do to her?"_

"_This." He presses a few more buttons on his device and Grant turns to watch the screen. He watches as the man electrifies Skye again, and he hears her scream out again. The man pushes the stick into her side even harder, causing her to scream out even louder. The man pulls the stick away and then quickly shoves it back into Skye's side. Then he pulls it away and throws a punch across Skye's face, hitting her square in the jaw. He can see blood trickling down her mouth, and tears falling from her eyes. _

"_Now this," the man in front of Grant says, "this is what happens because you were being uncooperative, and taking too long to tell me what I wanted to know, and simply because I hate S.H.I.E.L.D. and anyone affiliated with it." he pulls out his device once more and presses a few more buttons. The guy on the screen reaches into a case on the floor and pulls something out. Walking up to Skye, he holds it up and Grant gets a good look at what it is. A gun._

_His eyes go wide and he screams out, "No! I told you what you wanted to know! Just don't do this!"_

"_It's too late, Grant." _

_He presses a hand to his ear and speaks, "Do it."_

_Grant's head flies back to the screen, just in time to see the man pull the trigger._

"_NO!"_

* * *

Grant sits up quickly in his bed, sweat dripping from his body, breathing heavily. He rubs his hands down his face, sighing deeply. Glancing over at his clock, he takes notice of the time. 2:37 AM. Again. Sighing once again, he drags himself up out of his bed. Pulling on a pair of sweats, and a plain white t-shirt, he exits his bunk. Making his way down the hall, he stops in front of her bunk. Well, it used to be her bunk. He just stares inside the room, staring as all of the memories of her come rushing back into his head. He sees her smile, he hears her laugh. He remembers their first kiss, their first time, the first time they said 'I love you', all the times they repaired one another from another mission. So many other things they'd never be able to do.

* * *

It's been like this for the past two months. Every night he has the same nightmare, reliving that awful moment over and over. Then he wakes up early in the morning in a cold sweat, and goes to her bunk. And he just stares; he can't help but stare. Every night he hopes that it's all just an awful nightmare, just fake. He hopes that when he goes to her bunk, she'll be there, safe and asleep. But she never is.

Stepping away from her bunk, he continues down the hallway until he reaches the spiral, metal staircase. He walks down the stairs into the cargo bay, heading straight for the punching bag hanging from the ceiling. It's the last part of his routine, working out his frustrations. He stands in front of the punching bag, getting into his ready stance. Then he swings, his fist making contact with the punching bag. He takes swing after swing, hitting the bag as hard as he can. With each swing he takes, his mind flashes back to that day. He keeps seeing her limp, lifeless body being held in his arms as he talks to her, trying to save her life. But he couldn't. And he's hated himself everyday because of that.

* * *

He's not sure how much time has gone by when he hears footsteps on the metal staircase. He doesn't look up, just keeps on punching. He's ignoring whoever it is that's coming down the stairs, focusing all of his thoughts on his punches.

"It's been two months." Grant stops punching and looks up to see Agent Phil Coulson standing on the staircase, one hand on the rail, staring at him.

"You think I don't know that?" Grant says, maybe slightly harsher than he should have, "You think I haven't been counting the days since she's been gone? You think I haven't been having dreams of that day? Hoping that just once, just once, it'll all be a horrible dream. That I'll just wake up one day and she'll still be here. With that messy bed head she has every morning, and that smile she gets when she's finally figured out how to do something properly while training, and her determination to learn everything she can. It's all gone! She's never coming back!" he throws another punch at the bag before falling to his knees.

"I won't tell you that it's easy, Grant," Coulson says, still from his spot on the stairs. "But it gets easier."

"It gets easier? Losing the love of your life gets easier?" he scoffs.

"Over time, it does."

"Whatever," Grant says, turning away from Coulson, messing with the wraps on his hands.

"Fine then," Coulson says, realizing his isn't going to get anywhere at this point.

Grant listens as Coulson's shoes hit the metal steps as he makes his way back upstairs. He sits there for a moment longer, unable to really move from his spot. He keeps thinking back to her, all of the time they spent together and all of the times they will never get to spend together.

Standing up from his spot, he moves back in front of the punching bag. There's no way he's going to be able to get back to sleep now, so he might as well finish what he started. He throws punch after punch at the bag in front of him, images flashing again. He just wants it all to stop. He wants it to get easier. He wants to forget.

* * *

**So? What did you think? Let me know in a review below. I'd love to know your thoughts. **

**Don't worry, there's more to this. Unless you guys don't want more. But who cares, I'm posting another, I have a whole thing worked out for this. So there.**

**Until next time,  
****Jellybean96 out! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Here's the next chapter for you all! I hope you enjoy this one!**

**MusicAngel98: Victory! You were in tears! That's exactly what I was hoping would happen! And thanks!**

**Jayde: Same here. I'm sad too, but I have a plan.**

**Well, here's the chapter! Enjoy!**

* * *

The next morning it happens to him again. He has the same exact nightmare and wakes up in the same cold sweat. He travels down to her bunk again and stares inside of it, letting all of the memories of her hit him again. Then he goes downstairs and works out. It's been his routine everyday for two months. He barely even talks to, or looks at anyone. He's reverted back into his ways of doing missions on his own. He gets in, does what needs to be done, and gets out. He's taken on a new daily routine as well.

After he works out, he goes upstairs and has breakfast. Then he sits by himself and doesn't talk to anyone and then he works out some more. Then he comes back up for lunch. When he eats his lunch, he briefly checks to see if there are any new missions he should be aware of. Then he goes down and works out again. He comes back up at dinner time, sitting alone again, and doesn't speak to anyone. Then he works out for a while longer before he showers and heads to bed at exactly 8 o'clock. And when 2 o'clock rolls around the next morning, he does it all again. It's the new rhythm he has fallen into.

Everyone else finds it unnerving. They fear he's ruining himself, in a sense. For the last two years, he never really had a routine, or if he did, it was very subtle. And most of it involved Skye.

They'd workout throughout the day, but they'd also lounge about, either in the lounge area, or in either of their bunks. Not an unhealthy lounge about, but they'd just relax. Or they'd do things to stimulate their brain, or anything else they could think of. The rest of the team had grown very accustomed to it, mostly because they liked seeing him act like an actual person. They liked that version of Grant. Far better than this newer version. He never spoke to them, unless it was absolutely necessary. And that usually meant it had something to do with a mission. And vice versa. None of them would ever interrupt his routine unless it was for a mission. It was sort of like an unwritten, unspoken rule of sorts. That's why it throws him off that very day when Coulson interrupts his afternoon workout.

* * *

Grant is throwing punch after punch at the punching bag hanging in front of him. He had just eaten lunch a little while ago and is now in the middle of his afternoon workout. He throws one more punch to the bag and then stops it from swaying back and forth. Stepping away from the bag, he walks towards the chin up bar and positions himself correctly. He reaches his arms up and grabs the rod in his hands, using all of his strength to pull himself up off of the floor.

As he continues with his pull-ups, images of that day still flash through his mind. He's on his 90th pull up when he hears those shoes on the stairs again. He doesn't look up.

"Agent Ward. We need you upstairs."

Grant stops his pull ups, but doesn't look at Coulson, "Is it a case, sir?"

"Now, Agent Ward." Coulson demands and then turns and walks away.

Reluctantly, Grant stops with his pull ups completely and reaches for his water bottle. He takes a nice, long drink from it before he begins to make his way up the stairs.

When he gets upstairs into the main area, everyone is there. FitzSimmons, May, Coulson, and a girl who Grant has never seen before.

"Well," Coulson speaks, "now that everyone is here, we can get started." He walks over and stands next to the mysterious girl. She's medium height, has long blonde hair that's pulled up, bright green eyes, and a smile on her face. "Everyone, this is Raina, she's our new computer specialist. Raina, this is the team. Our pilot, Agent Melinda May; our resident scientists, FitzSimmons; and Agent Grant Ward. He will be your S.O."

"Great," Raina says, that smile still on her face, "I'm so happy to be here. I'm really looking forward to being on your team. I've heard so many stories about what you guys have done."

"Well we're glad to have you with us, Raina," Coulson says, a smile evident on his face as well, though it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"I just have one question."

"Ask away."

"Well, I was really hoping to meet your hacker. I don't know her name, but I've heard that she's done some pretty awesome things with computers. Though now that I think about it, why would you need me, if you have her?"

Everyone's posture changes slightly at the mention of Skye, even though it wasn't by her name. They've all been avoiding saying her name, or referring to her in the presence of Grant. The new girl didn't know that though.

"She's no longer with the team," Coulson says sadly.

"Oh," Raina says, slightly confused, "okay. Well, I can't wait to get started. First I wanna check out where I'll be staying, and then I'd love to check out the…"

"2 months, sir." Grant cuts in, looking down, his hands gripping the back of one of the chairs.

"Agent Ward?"

Grant lifts his head up and looks at Coulson, "It's been 2 months, and you've already replaced her. She was a member of this team, an _excellent_ member of this team. Even if she didn't always think like us, or play by the rules, that's what made her a great asset to the team."

"You don't need to remind me about that, Agent Ward. I'm the one who brought her on in the first place."

"Obviously someone does need to remind you, sir."

"It's been long enough, Ward," Coulson says, "we need a computer specialist."

"2 months is not long enough," Grant snaps, "and what we really need, is for her to be back. But that's not going to happen." He turns and looks at Raina, "Welcome to the team. Be down in the cargo bay at 8 o'clock sharp for training. For every minute your late, it's 10 pushups."

And with that, he stalks off, going back down to the cargo bay to work out his frustrations again. He doesn't want to train the new girl. That's how he and Skye became so close, and he refuses to get close to anyone else. He won't let it happen, not again.

* * *

**So? What did you all think? You like it? I hope you did! Let me know your thoughts in a review down below! **

**Before we go, I wanna rant about Tuesday's episode! May + Ward = NOO! They would not make a good couple! Ward needs someone that will balance him out! Him and May are too similar, Skye would be much better for him! I loved seeing Ward shirtless, I just wish it hadn't have been because of May. That made me so angry! Grr! Skyeward better happen soon, or I'm gonna be so angry! **

**Okay. I'm done. **

**Until next time,  
****Jellybean96 out!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello. I'm glad you've all enjoyed the story so far. That makes me really happy. **

**Review replies: **

RuffyAndCandy2: Aww, thanks. Glad you think so. You're gonna have to wait and see what happens. Thank you! Someone that agrees with me. My mother thinks Ward and May are good together. But she's crazy.

La Madone: Thank you. Glad you think so. Hmm, maybe she will, maybe she won't. You're just gonna have to wait and see. No, it is not the Raina from that episode. I didn't even realize I named her the same, that's kinda awkward.

MusicAngel98: You're welcome! Shirtless Ward = we want more. :) Haha! I'll come with you girl. :)

Belle97: Definitely. They'd end up combusting or something like that. Then things would be awkward. You're gonna have to wait like the rest of them to see what happens.

**And now, story time!**

* * *

*5 years later*

The nightmares don't come as often anymore. He still gets them, but not as frequently. Usually it's when it's getting closer to the actual day. He's never forgotten what day it happened, because it was one of the worst days of his life. He doesn't get up quite as early anymore either, only when he has the nightmares. The rest of the team has noticed a change in him; he's more relaxed again, not completely, but more so than he was five years ago. They also notice how close he's gotten to Raina, not as close as he was to Skye, but closer than he was five years ago. He's noticed these small changes in himself too. And it worries him. He doesn't want to get too close to Raina, but he can't help himself. She reminds him so much of Skye, not because of her looks, but because of her personality. And her skills with computers. He doesn't think she's as good as Skye, nobody does, but she still has skills. He isn't sure he can handle much more of the haunting reminders that she brings him.

* * *

"Okay," Raina says as the team gathers together around the holotable in the debriefing room. "I think I might have found the guy we've been looking for." She presses a few buttons on the table and then a picture shows up on the screen. It shows a man, who looks to be in his early 40's, his brown hair is starting to grey; his bright green eyes are staring at them. "His name is…"

"We know what his name is," Ward says, "It's Vladislav Pavlenko. He works for the Russian mob and has some operations here in America. He has a long-standing grudge with S.H.I.E.L.D., though no one really knows why. He's a killer, a vicious man, and will stop at nothing to get what he wants. He's been in hiding for the last 5 years and we haven't been able to locate him. Until now that is, when he apparently decided to show up."

"Wow," Raina says in shock, looking at Ward. She turns back to the screen and presses some more buttons. "When I was digging into Vladislav, I found a file. There wasn't much in the electronic version. All it says is that it was one of his most brutal killings. Happened about 5 years ago to a girl named Skye, no last name." Everyone goes stiff. "In the file it says that…"

"We know what it says in the file, Raina," Coulson interrupts.

She looks up at him, "Really? How?"

"Because she was ours."

Raina glances at each member of the team, taking in their expressions. Coulson and May both look stoic, though she can see slight hints of sadness in both of their eyes. FitzSimmons is standing very close together, leaning on one another for support as they look down at the ground. And then there's Ward. Grant Ward. Raina can definitely see the changes this news brought to him. His eyes flash sadness, his body is slumped, one hand resting on the table for support. He's breathing deeply, trying to calm his nerves and his anger.

"Wait, is Skye your hacker?"

"_Was_," Ward clarifies, "she _was_ our hacker. But she's dead now, because of me. And he got away." Ward stands up straight, stalking out of the room, most likely to go down to the gym.

"I don't understand," Raina says, "why was she killed?"

"It was all a mission gone wrong," Simmons speaks up, "it should have never ended the way it did." She stops before she spills tears. Burying her face in Fitz's shirt, the memories of that day come rushing back.

"All we really know," Coulson says, "is that Skye went in with Agent Ward to help him subdue Pavlenko. Unfortunately, Pavlenko and his men captured them before they could escape. He wouldn't let them go until Ward gave him what he wanted."

"And what was that?"

"We don't know. Even to this day. Agent Ward filled out the forms when he was able to, and then the file got put away. Not even I, a level 8, can access that file."

"So, if Ward gave him what he wanted, wouldn't he have let Skye go?"

"If only that were true," Coulson sighs, "All we know is that she was shot. She was shot in the chest."

"That's awful," Raina says quietly, almost inaudible. She can feel tears in her eyes at hearing such a sad story.

"Ward tried to save her," Fitz speaks up, clinging to Simmons, "when we got there and untied him he ran straight to where she was and tried to save her. But he couldn't. There was too much damage."

"So Ward wants to get back at this Pavlenko guy, because he killed a member of the team." Raina clarifies out loud.

"They were more than just teammates," May speaks up, "they had begun seeing each other. Their 3 years was only about a week away." May looks as if she's in a far off place as she tells this piece of information. "He was going to take her somewhere special." With that, May walks out of the room, towards the direction of the cockpit.

"I'm gonna take her back to her bunk now," Fitz informs the two remaining team members in the room. "Come on Jemma," he whispers, gently taking her hand and leading her down the hallway to their bunks.

"The day that Skye died was a tragic day for everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D.," Coulson tells the young girl, "she wasn't just an asset to this team, but to the entirety of S.H.I.E.L.D. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some things I need to get done." Coulson gives one last look to Skye's photo on the large screen and then sighs, walking out of the room.

Raina watches as Coulson removes himself from the room. Her gaze goes back to the picture on the large screen in front of her. It's a picture of Skye, smiling brightly; the smile can be seen in her eyes. She looks genuinely happy. It's weird for her, Raina, to be in this position now. To be the computer specialist in this group when she knows the true story behind why Skye is no longer on the team.

Taking one last look at the large screen, she closes each file, saving them away safely. Turning the screen off, she leaves the room and heads in the direction of her bunk. As she walks away, all she thinks about is Skye. She thinks about everything that Skye did for the team, and everything she could've done for the team.

* * *

**So? Did you all like the chapter? I hope so. Let me know your thoughts in a review down below. Thank you!**

**Until next time,  
****Jellybean96 out!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi loves! Here's the new chapter for you. I really hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

**Review replies:**

Belle97: I'm glad you've got tears. That's what I've been going for. :) Yeah, I think it's cool too. I get what you mean, it's all good. And no more desperation, here's another chapter.

emmy-kent: Aww thank you! :) I'm glad you wanted to cry. And yeah, I understand why you're mad. Trust me, I have a plan. I'm glad you got hooked. You're just gonna have to wait and see. I definitely agree, Ward and May are completely wrong together. We definitely need more shirtless Ward. Just sayin.

Skyeward: Love your name. :) Happy New Year to you too!

NCISRookie33: Trust me, I have a plan.

**And now, story time.**

* * *

"Come on," Raina pleads with Ward, "let me go too."

"Absolutely not," Ward says, checking his gun.

"Please," she says, "Why won't you just let me go with you?!"

"You aren't ready for this kind of mission," he sighs, putting his gun into its holster.

"Are you kidding me? I've been training my butt off for the last 5 years, just waiting for the opportunity to apply everything I've learned, in the field. To really apply it. But you won't let me. I'm ready for this."

"No you aren't," Ward says, walking into the kitchen, "You're ready when I say you're ready."

"That's so unfair though!"

"Yeah, well life isn't fair," Ward grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge and holds it in his hands, "Sometimes life takes something away from you, and you just have to deal with it."

"So that's what this is about," Raina says, the realization of the situation dawning on her, "this is about her, Skye. I get it now."

"You don't know anything," Grant exclaims, slamming the door of the fridge closed.

"Oh, I think I do. You don't want the same thing to happen to me that happened to her! You don't want that because you don't think I'm ready."

Ward spins around and looks at her, "That's exactly right. I don't think you're ready. Skye thought she was ready to go up against this guy, and now she's dead. She wasn't ready, but I let her go with me anyways, and she died because of it. Because she wasn't ready."

"But that won't happen," Raina steps forward and looks at him more clearly. "_I_ won't let that happen, and I know that _you_ won't let that happen either."

"You can't be sure of that. None of us can be sure of what will happen. That's why it's better that you stay here instead of going in with me."

Raina sighs, "Whatever. But just so you know, I feel like I don't even know you. We've been working together for almost 5 years, and I've told you everything about me, but I know absolutely _nothing_ about you. I've told you pretty much every good _and_ bad thing that has happened to me, but you never talk about that day. That day five years ago that you hate so much. I'm not telling you that you _have_ to tell me, but it'd be nice to know." She turns and walks away when Ward speaks up.

"I try to forget."

Raina turns around, "What?"

"That day," he begins, walking towards the couches, "I haven't told you about it, because I try to forget everything that happened," he sits down on one of the couches and sighs, as Raina sits down across from him.

"It was one of the worst days of my life. She came with me to disable all of the security systems in the building allowing me to get inside. She would have stayed on the BUS, but she had to be close to the building or else it wouldn't work. After that she was supposed to go back to the BUS. But she begged me to let her come inside with me, she even gave me that pouty face she does when she wants me to do something."

He smiles a little at the memory.

"I knew she wasn't ready to handle this guy, but I caved and let her come with. She knew I would, which is why she pouted; I always gave in when she did that. Anyways, when we got inside, things were off to a pretty good start. We got about halfway into the building and then we were attacked. Skye and I tried to fight them off, but they caught us in the end. Vladislav had us put in separate rooms and beaten. He had Skye beaten more than me. Eventually he made me watch from a screen that he had set up. His partner beat her and electrocuted her, just so he could get information out of me, because he knew of our relationship. I eventually told him what he wanted to know; my access codes for the S.H.I.E.L.D. mainframe. I asked him to let her go because I told him the codes. But he had a different idea. He had his partner shoot Skye. He had her shot without a second thought. Right in the stomach so that she'd bleed out slowly. And he made me watch. By the time the team got to us, we were too late. She wasn't gonna make it. When the team got there and freed me, I ran straight to the room she was in and found her on the floor, bleeding out."

He swallows at the memory of finding her on the floor.

"I held her in my arms as she died. I was the last face she saw, and my name was the last she said. When we buried her, the only people who were there were people involved in S.H.I.E.L.D. She didn't have any family we could contact. Not even any of her former Rising Tide associates showed up. Besides us, she had no one. She was so young too. Too young to die." He's quiet for a moment as more memories of her flash in his mind. "And the worst part is, I was going to ask her to marry me. The week after that mission was going to be 3 years since we started dating. I had asked Coulson for permission to take Skye somewhere nice, seeing as we weren't planning on landing back in America before then. All anyone else knows is that I was gonna take her out for a nice dinner."

He pauses, remembering Skye's face when he told her about their dinner reservations for the following week, "Now we'll never get to. And I've lost the girl of my dreams. She broke down all of my walls, and saw more than just a…a robot," he smiles at the nickname she had come up with for him long ago. "And I'll never get her back; I'll never get to spend any more time with her. All because I let her go into the building with me." He drops his head into his hands, as the tears silently fall from his eyes.

Raina swallows, sitting on the couch silently. She doesn't know what to say to him. He finally told her about his worst moment, and she has absolutely nothing to say to him about it.

"I'm so sorry," she speaks up, "I didn't know."

He looks up at her, "It's fine. It's not something I really like to talk about. You're actually the first person I've told all of this to."

"Well I'm honored."

"Yeah," Ward says, standing up from the couch, "well, I'm going to go and work out a bit. Let me know when we've landed." And with that, he walks off down the spiral staircase towards the gym. Raina watches him walk off and then just remains on the couch, not moving.

Now that she knows the truth, she's going to drop the subject. If he says that she isn't ready, she's going to take his word for it. She doesn't want him to have to suffer through that all over again.

She wants to go on the mission, but not if it means someone could die.

* * *

**So? What did you all think? Did you like it? Please let me know in a review down below. **

**Thanks!**

**Until next time,  
****Jellybean96 out! **


End file.
